I try not to blog dark. This one might go there. If you are easily angered, you might not want to read this. I would feel awful if I found out my words caused somebody to have a bad day. But I really need to get this out, so…
The day after my Northampton outing I crashed hard. I did way too many stressful things over my Spring Break (both good and bad), and Northampton was filled with so much happy. What must come up must also come down, and that is what happened to me. I came down hard.
I think I forgot to take my thyroid medicine that day (Saturday), so that could also have something to do with it, but Saturday was a wash of staying home and trying not to let the depression pull me any further down than absolutely necessary.
I baked a pie, which helped some. And now I think I remember blogging about this before, so I’ll fast forward to Sunday, my birthday. I think I already blogged that my husband planned a thing at our restaurant that day, and I was pretty bummed about that. So I won’t repeat that, and I’ll move on.
My #TheBloggessTribe friends encouraged me to go to the thing at our restaurant. There were several seats open during the 3pm seating, and my only plans were to grade papers and go to church. A friend texted me to wish me a happy birthday, and in our conversing back and forth, we landed on going to the 3pm seating and to church after. My church meets at 5pm, so the timing could not have been more perfect. It was like it was meant to be.
I started the day slow. Washed my hair, showered, etc., but at a leisurely pace. I finally ended up in my classroom some time after noon. I graded papers and did some other things to get my head back in the game so I could go back to work today (Monday) without the normal panic attack I get when going back after a long break. I did not accomplish much work, but I did get my head space back to school mode, and it worked to stave off the normal anxiety I worried I’d experience yet again.
I met my friend at our restaurant for the special maple tasting menu event. She repeatedly said she felt like the Queen of Sheba throughout the entire time. It helped me to appreciate how spoiled I am in some regards that this event did not feel special to me other than getting to spend time with her. We finished just in time to head out to church.
The church service was great, and she really enjoyed getting to meet everyone. She goes to a church in her town that meets in the morning like normal people do. She enjoyed my quirky group of “we go to church in the evening, because we can, and who wants to wake up early on a Sunday” people.
After church, we went our separate ways, and I headed home to await the phone calls from my adult children I had previously had to tell to call back later, because they called at the exact moments I was leaving one thing to drive to the other.
Here is where if you are easily angered, you should just hang up on my blog now. I thought about not expressing this, to anyone, but I really want to get it out, and not many people read this, so it feels like a safe space to vent.
My son was involved with a girl 7-ish years ago. He was 20, and she was 19. Last summer we found out she had a son with him she never told him about! This boy was 6 when my son found out about him. When I heard the news, I couldn’t help but cry. On my darkest days, cries usually don’t escape, because my body goes to anger instead. But this one had me crying for quite awhile before the anger set in. We missed out on so much!
I tried to tell myself to let go of what we lost and embrace what we have. I still try to tell myself that, but my son was robbed of something so incredibly precious. It is hard to forgive.
DNA tests were done. There is zero doubt. When I saw his baby photo, all doubt was removed for me. In fact, seeing the photo is what caused my tears. After testing was complete, my son got his son every other week for an entire week at a time. Life circumstances happened, and my son had to move back to South Dakota. They agreed he’d get his son over the summer.
When my son called me for my birthday yesterday, we asked each other questions about all kinds of things. I brought up a time in the summer we could plan to meet at his sister’s house, and we’d finally get to meet his son. This is when he told me he doesn’t think he’ll get his son over the summer. Of course I asked why.
My son proceeded to lay out for me everything going on. Idaho (where his son is) will never allow an out-of-state parent have custody unless the in-state parent is deemed unfit. (I learned this when I divorced my Idaho husband. He was drunk driving with my kids in the car and was still not deemed unfit. I was without my tweens for six of the longest months of my life!) He also doesn’t want to fight for his parenting rights, and here is why:
The man who thought he was the father for those first 6 years and the girl are in a custody battle for their child (my gson’s younger half-brother). Apparently this man’s family is well off and spoils my gson. (Their money is why she lied and said he was the father and never told my son.) If my son fights for custody of his son, it complicates the girl’s custody battle with the man who thought he was the father and is the father of the younger one. This would rob my son’s son of all this other family has to offer him. My son doesn’t want to take that away from him. My son doesn’t think he has enough to offer to make it worth fighting. He sees himself as less than the dad who isn’t the dad but thought he was the dad. The girl turns out to be an opportunist and the only reason she ever told my son was because she needed a place to stay while sorting out details with her ex.
There are a bunch more details I can’t remember and probably more than that he doesn’t know or isn’t telling me, but I am super sad and angry on my son’s behalf and on mine to have to see my son go through this. I tried to tell him he has something to offer no amount of money could provide. He is the dad. I reminded him of how little his dad could provide for him but that he wouldn’t have wanted to be raised by anybody else. I’m not sure he got it. I think he thinks he’s making a necessary sacrifice here, and my heart is breaking for him and for all of us who won’t get to know his adorable mini-me!
Add to that how much they bonded during the time they did have together, and the whole thing just sucks toe jam!
Meanwhile I am feeling helpless and heartbroken, and all I want to do is force everything to be right and just and to get him back all that time he lost and to bash the girl’s head on a pole until she can learn to choose right over wrong. **I would never behave violently, but my thought life has her learning her lesson!**
As you can imagine, this phone call did nothing to put me in a better place. I was glad to get to hear from my son whom I don’t hear from that often (especially since he is currently dating somebody I really wish he wasn’t), but I wish he had happier news to share. I wish the world would stop crapping on him. And I wish he’d choose better women. They say boys choose women like their mom, but he’s really not, and if these girls are how he perceives me, I am heartbroken all over again for a whole other reason!
Thankfully, an hour or two after this call, my gson (daughter’s son) called me on FaceTime. We had a great visit just before I had to go to bed, so I at least got to fall asleep with a smile on my face and a warm heart. And going back to work today went well. I slept without anxiety about it last night and am right back into the groove.
This is my best attempt at a happy ending to this blog even though the bad parts remain unresolved.
Oh. And I tried kava last night! It is disgusting! It is supposed to be super helpful with anxiety, and I spent $$ on it, so I am going to keep trying, but yuck!