Adventures of a MathBrat

Random Things I Find Energy To Blog About

Productivity

Yesterday I decided to do what I could to make this week easier. This is the last week of shook and is filled with a ridiculous amount of stressful deadlines. Anything I can do to make it better, I will.

I bought stuff to make salads for the week. My doctor has me eating fish for my brain, so I bought fish too. I assembled five salads with fish on them for the week (pics below). I also put together the dry ingredients for my smoothies for the week as well.

Not pictured: nuts, seeds, dried fruit

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Good Idea or No?

I know I am not supposed to make decisions until my brain is healed. I also know it has been a year since my brain was hurt, and it is not likely to heal much more than it has. I’ve been trying to exercise wisdom and self-control on this decision for several months now.

I am making a big gamble posting this here. Normally, my husband does not know or care to learn I exist. But since I finally gave up on us in December, and he realized it in February, he senses something’s up. Remember when I vented about the four? He saw that and cleaned it up. Not because of how sad or insignificant I felt, but because you saw it, and he needed to redeem himself with you. Since then, I have not been blogging, even though there have been MANY symptoms I should have gotten into print.

Anyway, I’m not sure how much more adversity in my home I can take. I’m still living in my bedroom avoiding him as much as possible. Whenever I let my guard down and think I can talk to him like a normal person, I’m either ignored completely or talked to like I’m his emotional punching bag. I can’t keep doing this much longer. But my car accident lawsuit is going to take at least another 18 months! And I cannot support myself.

So here’s my idea. Tell me if this sounds worth attempting or tweaking and then attempting or if this is just head injury craziness.

I was thinking of starting a Go Fund Me that could get me out of the house. If I could pay off my car and other debt, I would make enough money for food and utilities and about half of what rent is out here for a “cheap” place. (You would not believe the squalor that costs $1000/month out here!!!) So I would probably need to add $500/mo to the amount I need to raise in order to be able to support myself until my lawsuit goes through.

I think this would all add up to roughly $75k. But maybe if I’m my Go Fund Me I said once I win my car accident lawsuit I would repay the money to agencies that help battered women (I’m not physically battered), if that would make up for the fact my car would be getting paid off through this. I don’t know why I feel guilty thinking others paid off my car, but I do.

Does this idea seem insane? Should I just continue to try to battle suicidal thoughts for two more years, or should I go for it? Also, I’d Go Fund Me the way to go or is there something similar that is better? Is my $$ need way too high to even try?

5/22

This morning I put wet laundry in the dryer. I thought I turned it on but later found out I did not.

Work went mostly okay. When one student asked, “Why is…. ‘poop’ … so hard?” (he was venting about a difficult math problem), I asked him if he maybe was not eating enough fiber. The class of all boys erupted into laughter. While this was hilarious, it was not how I used to conduct myself in the classroom. The only me would be amused by the thought and maybe tweet it later, but she’d never say it in the classroom.

I had more difficulties driving. I keep trying to turn down the radio with the heater control knob and other things like that. I can’t tell my doctor about anything driving-related, or he will take away driving again. I cannot go back to a spreadsheet of dependency on others!

After work I had an amazing massage and then ate dinner at my restaurant.

When I got home, I miraculously remembered I had clothing in the dryer! I went to pull them out, and they were all wet! I had not turned the dryer on. I smelled the clothing to see if they got yucky while I was at work. They were fine, so I turned on the dryer. I went upstairs and vented to my husband about my mistake. I grabbed some items from that floor and then went up to the third floor to put away my supplies from the day. Then I couldn’t find the laundry I brought up to put away. I yelled down to my husband to ask if I left the laundry in the living room. This is when I realized the laundry was still in the dryer. All of this took maybe three minutes!

If you aren’t convinced my brain is still broken, I have one last piece of evidence for you from today. When I finally did bring my laundry upstairs to put it away, not one single sock was missing its mate! I do not know anyone with a healthy brain who does laundry and comes out with all pairs of socks still in tact!

Update

I have not been blogging, because my husband found my blog and read it and then cleaned up the flour, and it made me mad, because I’ve been begging for years for him to value me enough to do stuff like that, but he only did it because it read it in my blog and know you are possibly judging him.

But, two big brain things happened this week, and I realized I really need to log symptoms for my attorney even when I don’t want to.

On Friday, I was teaching my fifth class of the day. It was after lunch. I went to write their homework on the board, and I noticed the entire board was filled out and that I hadn’t erased it to start for the day (something I do for Mondays). I stared at it and out loud asked myself (in front of students), “did I forget to assign homework to my classes today?!” I stared at the board trying to figure it out. Of course, there were students who would say things like, “well…. you don’t have to assign us any homework…” while I was trying to replay the day in my head. I finally looked down to Friday at the bottom and saw today’s homework for some of my classes there. I was so confused! Then I realized it was Friday!! I was looking at the board as if it were Monday. Who forgets just after lunch on Friday that it is Friday??

Something else pretty big happened this weekend, but I can’t remember it. It was something like using the blender instead of the mixer or something like that. I just remember thinking it was something I do all the time and then was doing it wrong (like the day I kept getting mad I couldn’t turn off the faucet by closing the cabinet door).

On Saturday I was sitting at a red light in the left turn lane. I tried to turn my blinker off (left lever) with my windshield wipers (right lever). I tried several times before I realized I was using the wrong thing. Then once I actually got my turn signal turned off, I wondered why I wanted to turn it off, because I was sitting at a red light waiting to turn. I needed it on!

 

Lather Rinse Repeat

Day two of spending at least an hour crying into my pillow.

It was just a lot of stress all day and coming home to not the support I need.

Then something I have been happy about lately took a weird turn, so I am left sad and confused about that too.

Oh, and my foot is sprained! I am relieved it isn’t a stress fracture, but yeah. My workouts are on hold. That should help my depression! SIGH!!!!

I hate everyone and every thing right now. Moo, the only creature in Connecticut who is happy to see me and cares when I am hurting has been accommodating, but I really need human arms to hold me right now. And to clean up the large amounts of flour that are still on the floor, because I am too exhausted and in too much pain to deal with it.

I Just Don’t Want To Do This Any More!

I had a really rough day, and I tried so hard to get through it, but now here I sit, crying my eyes out, because I just can’t do it anymore!

Last night I made cookie dough so I could bake cookies for my students this morning. I was ready at a time this morning I could make that happen, so I loaded up three cookie sheets and started baking while making my smoothie and my lunch. As the third sheet was baking, the first had cooled enough to try. I discovered they were rock hard and way too salty. They had to be thrown away. I used the remainder of my time trying to fix the dough for tomorrow.

Last night my husband brought home the flour I asked him to buy from the restaurant supply store while he was running errands. He brought it home with a rip in it and put it on the counter, explaining how it got ripped. He left it on the counter. So I had to try to use my small arms to get the flour into the bin, and with the rip in the wrong spot, that made the task even harder. This job would have been very easy for my strong, long-armed husband. But he needed to get back to his video games.

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School went okay for the most part. My foot was killing me all day. I am super bummed about this. My foot was doing so much better (although compensating for it led to my hip pain), but at the tennis lesson the warm up involved jumping rope, and while at the time I thought my new shoes were causing me pain, I now know that I woke up whatever was wrong with my foot! Which means no running today or possibly for a week or two, and I was just so victorious in this area, I am super bummed!

I decided to check out swimming to see if maybe I can stop hurting myself. That was an overwhelming task I’ll save for another blog.

I also had to see the therapist today. I was already so exhausted. It is so hard to answer questions and think when already so tired.

By the time my day was done, I was a wreck. I took myself out to dinner before coming home. Once home, I began working on making some returns to online stores I’ve been procrastinating. This created a giant mess, and while looking for a trash bag, I discovered the neglected litter box. We use flushable litter, but this is really only effective if you remember to take care of the box every day. We are out of trash bags, so I had to flush, and more slipped out than I intended, and the toilet got clogged. I asked my husband for help, and all he did was slowly mosey to the downstairs bathroom to slowly mosey to the bottom of the stairs to throw the plunger up the stairs and shout, “Here!” (Apparently the box of trash bags in the photo above is empty.)

I told him I needed towels, and he said, “they are in the cabinet up there where you are!” I lost it. I asked him why it’s so hard for him to do anything to show me any kind of support. I started to mention how I witness so many men supporting and helping their wives with things (like heavy flour bags and overflowing toilets), but he interrupted me and started yelling about how their wives haven’t checked out. Ummmm Hello???? After 12 years of begging and pleading and crying and making my unmet needs clear to be pretty much told that it’s too bad so sad cuz I married him and he’s not changing, I finally check out four months ago, and he’s going to use this last four months to explain his last twelve years of behavior??? Fuck that!

So I had a good cry and started to type this, and I stopped crying about a paragraph ago.

Yesterday I tried to lock my classroom from the outside without a key. Like I was expecting the turny thingy that locks the door to be on the wrong side of the door knob. I even pinched my fingers together as if to turn it, even though it wasn’t there.

I gave my students a worksheet the other day when I couldn’t teach their lesson. My brain couldn’t handle my own notes. I looked at my notes the same way a non-math-person would.

I am having big memory lapses.

I’m ready to run away from home. I need a gentleman who can afford my living expenses to sweep me off my feet and take care of me. Or I need to fast forward to when all of this is over and I can support myself. I really don’t want to do this in-between time anymore! I am trying so hard, and yet I am still ending the day sobbing into my hands. Alone. Nobody to hug me or kiss my head and tell me it’s going to be okay. Something I’ve done for him for 12 years, but he will never do for me.

And now I’m crying again!

My First Ever Tennis Lesson

First I want to get symptoms out of the way for this blog.

  1. I had to cancel the Algebra 2 lesson today (class right after lunch), because my brain just could not handle the lesson today. I gave them an extra practice worksheet (which they were all very happy about and can definitely benefit from). If word gets out my brain was too tired to teach a lesson, I will be in trouble.
  2. I did not have the self control to not say my brain quitting is why they got a worksheet.
  3. When driving to my massage therapist, I almost drove to my ex-massage therapist (the one who got VERY inappropriate with me!). Imagine if I had walked into his office thinking I had a massage!!! I was almost to his office before I realized my mistake and then traveled to the correct office after that.
  4. I realized today I’ve been forgetting to eat fish! The fish oil must have really been helping, because I’ve been declining since forgetting.

Okay. So today I worked like normal (other than Algebra 2) and then went straight to my massage. Once that was over, I took myself out to dinner and made sure to order salmon for my poor brain! (I wonder if it’s worth anything in my lawsuit that I am a vegan forcing myself to eat fish because of a brain injury?) After dinner, I came home and got ready for my first ever tennis lesson.

img_2853Growing up in Seattle, I called all athletic shoes “tennis shoes.” However, this is the first pair I’ve ever owned that are actually intended solely for tennis! (solely! ha! I am so punny!)

My lesson was super fun! We had to warm up first by jumping rope. I was ridiculous! It’s a good thing I can laugh at myself, because apparently I cannot jump rope anymore. I wonder if the brain injury has anything to do with this? I eventually got my 25 successful jumps in, and our lesson began.

Today was all about learning a forearm hit. I enjoyed this quite a lot. I wasn’t very good, but I had fun, so I don’t care. Also, they have this super cool basket thing to use to pick up the balls that I wish something could be made like to clean up at home, because it was actually fun to clean up all those balls!

After I got home from tennis I did an hour of yoga. And now here I am with only one hour left until bedtime to blog and read. I normally hate Tuesdays, because they are my husband’s day off, and he always makes my time at home suck, but today I was hardly home at all! I’ve scheduled all future massages on Tuesdays! Tennis is naturally on Tuesdays. So from this point forward, there will be no more Sad Karin Tuesdays! 🙂

I’ve been enjoying Spring so much I decided to dress Springy today.

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I had to put safety pins in the skirt to hold it up, because I bought it before the weight loss, but the top is brand new. I felt light and pretty today wearing this skirt. With the back longer than the front, it flowed in interesting ways as I walked or moved through the day. It made me happy.

The massage therapist told me I have to dial it back some on the intensity of my workouts. The hip pain I am feeling is from an angry psoas muscle. Also, both hips are inflamed with bursitis. And, my gluts are super pissed! (I tried explaining Buns of Steel to him.) He told me I am not injured, but if I don’t listen to my body’s warnings, I will become injured, and then I’ll have to do more than dial it back. I could “end up on the sidelines.”

I just hate that, though, because I finally have momentum and a groove, and a schedule I am happy to follow. If only my hip and knees would stop hurting!

My yoga teacher is helping me with psoas stretches, so my hope is I won’t have to dial things back much. I am going to try to move at a slower pace during Buns of Steel to see if that will be sufficient. I don’t really want to reduce my runs. I am wondering if I take some leftover anti-inflamatory prescription I found from after my car accident would help or if it would merely give a false sense of security. Tomorrow is a Buns of Steel day, so we’ll see how it goes. I really like how in shape, strong, and energetic I am becoming. And let’s not forget: the distraction of working out is helping me not want to murder myself!!

All right. I need to start making my way toward bed. It looks like I am sleeping in yoga glisten, because it’s too late for a shower. I didn’t sweat much, so I should be okay. I hope.

 

 

 

Catching Up…

I’ve gotten very behind on blogging! I’ll do my best to nutshell this (but we all know how “well” I do at being concise).

Friday a friend texted me to tell me she’d be in my town Saturday. We made plans to lunch at my restaurant followed by hiking. I had my yoga lesson at 7am. I grabbed a very naughty breakfast after (french toast made from apple fritters), and then on my way home, I had the idea I wanted to make balls out of my doughnut dough, stuff them with raspberry filling, and cover them in chocolate. I was home by 9:30am and figured I’d finish before noon. I could take them with me to the restaurant when I went to meet her.

It did not quite work out that way. My dough balls worked out fine. (I later found out what I really made is called zeppole.) While the dough proofed, I worked on the raspberry filling. I used organic raspberries and sugar and tried cooking it down, but I eventually thickened it with flour. The chocolate I made for the outside was a glaze/ganache hybrid. The problem I faced was I didn’t know how to get the berries into the doughnuts.

I could not find my food syringe and ended up having to use a much smaller one. This was problematic, because the raspberry seeds kept clogging it. I was being stubborn, though, so I kept at it. My friend ended up having to meet me at home, because I was not finished at noon. I taught her how to ganache the balls as I continued to struggle with the filling. Finally, at about 1:30, all 68 zeppole were ready to go. They ended up being a huge hit! (It wasn’t until much later someone pointed out I could have used my pastry bag and filling tip to do the job much faster. This is something my brain should have been able to figure out before going to all that work!)

We ate lunch at my restaurant and then went hiking. There is a reservoir on my street just 2-3 minutes from my house. There are 10 miles of hiking trails around this reservoir. I had never been there, so we chose this spot to go. It was gorgeous!! We had a lot of fun. I drove her a little crazy with my off-trail water chasing, and she said a few times she was having to be the Monica to my Phoebe, but we had fun. After that, we went to my smoothie bar for smoothies and called it a day. (There is more reading to do below the following media)

I don’t rmember all of Saturday’s symptoms. Impulse-control was definitely an issue, as was not being able to troubleshoot the filling. Depression continues to be a problem.

Sunday was doughnut day. I decided after doughnuts I would take a lunch out to the reservoir and picnic then hike. I made myself a lunch while at the restaurant selling doughnuts. Once the last customer left, I drove out to the reservoir. I found a quiet spot to eat and look at the water. When I finished, I was in no hurry to hike. I sat there for a very long time and eventually took a nap. After my nap, I finally hiked for about 2.5 hours. I went home after my fourth hour since arriving. I didn’t want to ever come home, but my hip was hurting.

I forgot to bring water with me. I grabbed a coconut water from the restaurant, but that was not good enough. I am surprised I forgot water. That’s usually high on my priority list. (There is more reading to do below the following media)

 

I don’t remember much else of Sunday. There are many unaccounted for hours. I know I did a workout that evening, but that’s all I can remember. The depression is getting too big to chase away with all this activity. It’s trying to kill me.

Yesterday (Monday) was my birthday. My first class sang to me. Two of my alumni who are off in college doing their own thing sent me happy birthday text messages! It was encouraging to know students who are off embarking on their college adventures still have my phone number and care enough to wish me a happy birthday. That makes me think I am doing something right.

When I got ready for work yesterday, I packed a bag to go running at the reservoir. I noticed on Sunday the trail around just the reservoir (not all the crazy hiking trails) seemed perfect for running. I used a map app to measure a trip around, and it was 2/3 of a mile. This means I need only run it six times to get my four miles (three clockwise and three counterclockwise, to prevent boredom and to help with runner’s knee and shin splints). After work, I changed, made sure to remember to bring water, and drove out to the reservoir.

I got winded much faster running outside than I do on the treadmill, but other than that, it was amazing! This was my first run outside in over twelve years! Who knew that all the work I’ve been putting in since December would end up being a birthday gift to myself when I got to run outside on my birthday? And I found this beautiful place to do it just in time!

Around 9pm last night, my husband finally remembered it was my birthday. He rushed out and bought flowers and a balloon to celebrate my 50th then argued with me that I didn’t make sense when I said 1969+50=2019 not 2018 and that it was my 49th birthday.

Symptoms were going crazy yesterday. I was saying wrong words. Unable to find words. Speaking slowly. I was mentally fatigued much earlier in the day. The depression continued to try to rule everything.

I Don’t Know What Day It Is

I was too tired to blog last night, but there was a symptom I really should record…

Early-ish in the day (maybe between 12-3pm?) I texted a friend that I’d probably run around 7pm so I could be soaking in the tub when Survivor came on. Survivor is pretty much the only tv show I watch right now. Survivor airs on Wednesdays. Yesterday was Thursday.

At 3:30pm, I was driving to my doctor’s appointment and remembered I did not hear back from Not a Neurologist about scheduling me next week, and he said someone would call me Friday with the date/time. Here it was close to 4pm, and I’d be in with my doctor until 5pm, so I called and left a message saying, “I was supposed to receive a call today about next week….” I was convinced it was Friday (just a short time after being convinced it was Wednesday).

The secretary called me and told me I am not expecting my call until tomorrow (today) (Friday). I apologized when she helped me realize it was Thursday and not Friday.

I met my husband for dinner and spent that entire time thinking it was Wednesday. I came home and went through the motions of my evening, and at 8pm, I could not figure out why the heck Survivor was not on. It took several minutes and a few cross words with CBS before I realized it was Thursday.

I have no idea why I didn’t remember Survivor on Wednesday and was a day late with it. I ended up watching it on the CBS app. I don’t remember Wednesday evening at all now, but I am sure I wasn’t doing anything of consequence that would cause me to forget Survivor was on. It is the only tv show I watch!! Unless I am in the bathtub and catching up on a few things I like on Hulu, Survivor is the only thing I turn the actual television on for at the time it actually airs. This is kind of a big deal.

It’s also important to note, each day of the week, my school has a different schedule. At no time did I prepare for the class who does not come to see me on Thursdays. At no time was I surprised to see a Thursday class come to my room. Somehow, my brain was living in Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday at the same time, depending on if I was thinking about Survivor, school, or expected doctor phone calls.

Also, my mood has been as scary low levels. I might need to consider giving another medication a chance. I am barely functioning, and any little thing makes me cry. I am using all my strength to pretend to be okay and counting down the minutes to bed time so each day can just be over.

Today Sigh

I woke up the hospital after a rough night of sleep study. I was cold all night, because they wanted to prevent me sweating. Every time I tried to roll over, the wires reminded me of their presence. It was a rough night. I woke up suuuuuuuper grumpy!!!

They gave me a free coupon for breakfast but yuck. I came home as soon as they let me. It took me an hour to get the glue off my face. There is still glue other places on my body. I didn’t want to spend any more time on it and finished otherwise getting ready for work. My emotional pain level was unbearable. I forced myself out the door. I think it’s a good thing we don’t have guns in the house. When the emotional pain is that intense, I have visions of me shooting myself. I don’t want to die, and I do want to persevere, but those thoughts do come.

I made it my mission today to pretend to be in a good mood for my students. Nobody wants a grumpy teacher. I think I did a fairly good job. I don’t remember laughing at all like I would on a normal day, but I remember smiling and not biting anyone’s heads off. I’m calling it a win.

I was able to simplify my schedule for tomorrow by getting one of my doctors to fax something to a lab today, so that was good. I had a break before conferences and got lab work done and then ate at my restaurant. My conferences went well. They were all super spread out which was annoying but a I got through them without any negativity.

My mood never improved. I spent the day overtired. I also over ate quite a bit! When I came home I just wanted to sleep and cry. A friend finally helped motivate me to get my workout in. That helped. Also my gson called me on FaceTime for a bit, and I’m currently watching my son and daughter play a video game while streaming it. Listening to them interact always helps my mood.

I had lots of word-finding issues today. Lots of memory trouble. Impulse control issues were high (especially with food which has been very under control for awhile). My biggest issue, though, is the emotional component of the frontal injury to my brain. It is ruining my life.

Here are some pics from the sleep study…