I’ve been super rebellious about blogging my ongoing struggles, because I feel like it is all negative when I want to try to be positive, but I am also missing important documentation for my legal case, so I’ll try to piece together some stuff I’m likely forgetting a lot of.
I think I last blogged when I got all pissed of at zoloft and quit. I pretty much left Not a Neurologist an FYI message and then ignored his calls for a day but finally talked to him about it. He doesn’t think the zoloft was the source, but I pretty much confirmed it while weening off, because my stomach would only get bad when I took another dose. Now, ten days after quitting, my stomach is finally better. What is scary, is my brain is slowing back down, my filter is further lacking, and my speech is starting to go bad again. sigh!
I was going to talk to him about maybe trying an ADHD med instead. I mean, I know hardly anything about pharmacology, but the anti-depressant did zero for my emotions and mood. It helped with attention and brain speed. It also helped me gain a crap ton of weight super fast. So I am wondering if an ADHD med would help with the brain speed and attention but not make me gain weight. If my mood was unaffected by the anti-depressant, this makes sense to me as a way to go, but I don’t know much about the type of injury I have, and I do know from what I’ve read, zoloft is pretty much the go-to drug for tbi’s.
Remember the melt down I had at work that one day when a student was somewhat snide to me? I think it was around six weeks ago. Anyway, Not a Neurologist very strongly recommended psycho therapy to help me navigate through these unfamiliar emotions. (sidebar: ugh! as I type this, I am STRUGGLING to find the right words and then type them correctly! I am missing several letters or typing wrong words all together. I think I am catching and fixing all of the mistakes, so that’s something, but ugh!) I think I also blogged about how I asked my general doc’s referral office to book an appointment for me, because if left up to me, it’d never happen. They did, and the wait for intake was long, but today was finally the day.
I was SUPER intimidated by this place! Funny how I am often standing up for mental illness sufferers and fighting the stigma, but I was struggling with stigma like mad while there. Every person there I wondered about and then determined they were likely wondering about me. While in the bathroom, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Yep. Still the tbi face after all these months! I look like I belong here. But what’s wrong with that?!
The intake forms were intense. I didn’t believe they’d take the half hour I was told. I was somewhat right in that it took me MORE than the half hour I was told! Sheesh! And then reading the rules of group therapy, even though I probably won’t be in group therapy, I felt like I was in a movie. By the way, coats aren’t allowed to be worn inside, and tank tops aren’t allowed either. A bunch of other things were on the list, but those were the two rules I’d be most likely to break. Cussing isn’t allowed either. I wonder how that goes over.
Once my forms were filled out, I met with my intake person. She had a Scentsy in her office, so to avoid a migraine, I asked her if we could relocate. It turned out there were several empty offices for us to choose from. She apologized for the near-empty, sterile room we ended up in. I couldn’t have loved it more. She and I clearly feel differently about our space. Honestly, though, I was just happy to be able to breathe. The lack of nicknacks and fru-fru were merely icing on the cake.
We talked for a long time. It seemed I was re-answering some of the questions on the forms, but whatever. I truly want to get better, so I’ll jump through all the Not Zoloft hoops I can to make that happen. She was pretty nice. I was fine. Mostly.
Her job is pretty much to decide where to put a person. Like, do I belong in a program for eating disorders, anger management, drug addiction, etc? Do I need a male or female therapist? Do I need somebody who can prescribe drugs? Do I need somebody with the same religious beliefs as me? etc. I am satisfied with (and a little afraid of) where she landed.
I am seing a psychiatrist on Thursday. While I really prefer a male, he wasn’t available until late January. The female just joined the practice and has lots of openings and can see me this Thursday. Intake Gal urged me to take advantage of the Sooner Rather Than Later approach to the medicine issue, especially since all the zoloft is leaving my system quite rapidly at this point. I conceded.
I will also be seeing a therapist beginning when I return from visiting my family out of state for Christmas. Intake Gal has two male therapists and of all of the therapists, male and female, she believes the one she set me up with will be the best fit. His wait was slightly longer than the others, but she convinced me it will be worth the wait. I trust her in this, because she convinced me on the psychiatric front the other was not worth the wait. This makes her seem balanced in her choices rather than choosing whatever is available first. So I’m going with it.
I’m feeling quite nervous about it all. The whole stigma thing has me wanting to shout, “IT’S ONLY BECAUSE MY HEAD WAS INJURED IN A CAR ACCIDENT!!!” to anyone and everyone about me going, and that is so wrong. Why does humanity judge those whose brains need treatment? Do we judge those who have to get a tooth pulled? Did people judge me when I needed my gallbladder taken out? Do I feel embarrassed I have to take thyroid medicine for the rest of my life, because my thyroid was surgically removed? So why am I feeling this weird thing about seeing both a psychiatrist and a therapist? It’s ridiculous, yet it’s still a thing. Kind of like how we all know everyone farts, yet when we are the ones who dealt it, we are mortified if anyone else figures out it was us. Or like when I’m in the bathroom at work and have to defecate, I am praying a student doesn’t come in needing the restroom. What is that? Why do we get embarrassed about completely normal stuff? It’s stupid. But it is what it is, and it is. And I am.
Symptoms: super fatigued, sleepy, headaches, upper back and neck pain, weird feelings like electrical shorts in several parts of my body (this last one is news… maybe from divorcing Zoloft?) super irritable, impatient, super lack of filter, frequent thoughts of quitting my job, impulsivity, overspending, overeating, and going to work late almost every day when my entire life I’ve been an “Arrive 15 minutes early!” person.
I’m going to bed. Thanks for reading and caring. Someday I’ll reach the other side and be me again. Until then, I watch this other person live my life and hope she doesn’t burn all the bridges I will still want there when I return.