Adventures of a MathBrat

Random Things I Find Energy To Blog About

A Night

Such a bad brain day! Head is killing me, so I hope to keep this short.

I slept in. Didn’t need to do doughnuts for the restaurant today, cuz yesterday was super slow, and we had enough “day old” doughnuts to take today off. However, I still needed to make a small batch, cuz I was going out to my favorite food truck at a farmer’s market in Hartford today and wanted to take them some.

They all turned out really pretty, and she was very excited. She ended up bartering with me and taking the $$ off my lunch which was awesome, cuz I really had just planned on gifting them to her.

I should back up. So, I slept late, then was casual about making these doughnuts. I was trying to do stuff and get caught up on AGT at the same time. It is all a giant blur in my memory right now, but I remember texting with my boss trying to coordinate stuff? She secured a long-term sub for me. It is a man who has subbed for me a lot in the past, and he used to be a math teacher. I need to meet with him to go over lesson plans and have him try to do things as close to I would for the kids’ sake in continuity in hopes I’ll be back by the end of first quarter.

So I started the day off wonky to begin with, and all this glued up my brain, and I was struggling. I was taking a friend with me today, and when I got to her house, I couldn’t remember how to use my GPS on my phone. It kept saying the drive would be 37 minutes, when it should only be 18. Eventually, I remembered I had it set to avoid highways, because I love driving with the convertible top down but don’t love that at 65mph. I fixed that, but I still kept exiting or hitting the wrong buttons. I should have known then not to attempt my day.

Doesn’t look like I’m going to end up making this short…

We had a great time at the farmers market. It is a super small one (although 4-5 food trucks!), so it wasn’t overwhelming. Trying to figure out how to pay people and put things in my bags was a challenge. My friend was very helpful.

On the way home, I kept trying to turn down the radio by turning the dial to the AC. They are nowhere near each other and look nothing like each other. Like the kitchen sink incident on a previous day, I kept getting frustrated that my efforts to turn down the radio wasn’t working. I couldn’t turn the dial down any lower, yet the sound of the radio was unaffected. (This totally disproves my dad’s theory that we could do anything with our minds if we believed it hard enough – like spoon bending – cuz I believed that AC dial should have turned down my radio.) Eventually, I figured out what I was doing wrong.

I also kept looking for the parking break with my left foot, but my parking break is on the console. I recently had a rental car that had a left foot parking break, but I gave that back on Monday and have driven my car plenty since then.

My speech sounded like marshmallow mouth quite a few times.

My head hurts. A lot.

A bunch more fedex boxes showed up. The one that came this morning I did not remember ordering. Hubs asked me what it was, and I told him I didn’t know. As I was unpacking it, one item in the box jogged my memory of looking at the web page, but I have no memory of putting things in my cart, entering credit card info, entering shipping info, etc. Yet here is the box in my house. Later fedex came back, but at least once I opened the boxes, I remembered ordering what was inside.

I can’t remember if I said this before, but once I unpack the boxes, I sometimes forget what was in them. Hubs saw an empty box the other day (the same day I got it), and I couldn’t remember what was in it. I looked around the house to see if I could figure it out, but I couldn’t. I might have to cancel my credit cards until my brain heals.

Currently, Moo is giving me a massage, and it’s helping me feel better, so I’m going to slap a title on this thing and call it a night.

Doctor’s Note and DMV on the Same Day?

The one big objective I had today was to get a note from my doctor for the school board. I have to request a leave of absence and need a specific note about things nobody can be all that specific about just yet. Well, they can specify mental rest but not x-months.

So I went to my new general doctor (did I vent about the other one moving to Texas, and now I have to pay a second time for basically the same thing?) to get this note. My appointment was at 8am, so I thought I’d go ahead and get the DMV thing over with as well. Apparently, in Connecticut, you have to give your license plates back, cancel your registration, and prove selling (or whatever) and all of this to the town you live in to stop being taxed on it. Yep, Connecticut taxes us two times per year on our cars! Last year, we spent around $1200 on car tax. I had to set up a special savings account specifically for car tax so that we are prepared when the bill comes.

I gave my TDI back in the VW buyback thing back in April. I didn’t know I had to do any of this. I tried about a month ago, but I ended up taking the wrong plates in (thanks, brain injury. I appreciate how you’ve altered my ability to do things). It took me this long to be ready to try again. So before my doctor’s appointment, I made sure I had the papers I needed for the town and the correct license plates.

I went to the DMV (in a town about 30-40min away) after the doctor and then hit up my favorite co-op and restaurant in that town. I grabbed takeout and took some to hubby at 11am. I forgot to mention my DMV visit took all of 5 minutes. So, Hubs and I sat in the back of his SUV sort of tailgate style and ate our food and chatted about stuff. It felt like we snuck a date, because his employees were all inside and didn’t know where he was, that I was there, or what we were doing. It was kind of fun, which is great, because I haven’t really had much fun lately.

After lunch (and grabbing a juice from our new juice bar while I was there), I went to the town hall and dealt with getting our cars off of the tax list. Those “wrong” plates I took back last month? Those were to the old car Hubs sold. We had cancelled the plates already and didn’t need to take them back, but apparently we needed to do all this other stuff to not be taxed, so… I talked to the same guy as before who managed to remember my last name even though he deals with soooo many people all day every day. It ended up being SO complicated! The car my husband sold used to belong to me. The DMV had it with both my plates and his plates! Add to that we moved twice since first registering it, and omg. What a pain! The TDI ended up being a little less of a pain, but it was a pain as well.

I was finally home at 11:30. So, I was gone all of 3.5 hours, but I accomplished everything I needed to. It was basically 2.5 hours since I saw the doctor. I could not find the note she wrote me anywhere! I dug through my purse over and over. I searched my car. I could not find it. How did I lose the most important paper of my day in just 2.5 hours? Did I give it to the DMV? The town? Did it blow out of my convertible? So frustrating! I finally decided to call the doctor’s office to see if they’d fax me a new one, but then it was 11:59, and by the time I pushed the right buttons to reach somebody, they were at lunch due to return at 1:15. sigh!

side note: Why is just 3.5 hours outside the house so exhausting?!?!

I decided on some down time. After resting my brain a bunch, I decided to search my car one more time. I found the note lodged under the front passenger seat. I have no idea how it got there. I had no passengers today. There was no reason for it to be so far under that seat. I thought I put it in my purse when I was at the doctor’s office. I don’t remember putting it anywhere in my car, but I found it without any folds in it which means my memory of putting it in my purse is a false one.

I tried to trick Moo into eating canned food by pretending it was mine so she would steal it from me, but she was onto me, and I had to smell it. Not sure why I had this crazy idea.

My head was achey and unhappy with my efforts today.

My boss got my old sub who’s supposed to be moving out of state in October to agree to long-term sub for me for the first quarter. That’s pretty good news. I think!

I have to write a request for a leave of absence to the school board. That seems like a weird policy to me. If the doctor says I can’t work, why do I need permission to not work? It sounds like my boss is batting for me, because of some things in her email about the doctor’s note about being specific. I think she wants to give them as clear a picture as she can. I still keep feeling anxious about all of it, though. I want to be more careful what I write here, because everything I write here is based on my anxious thoughts and not necessarily on what might be inside somebody else’s head.

Moo seems to be impersonating a squirrel tonight. I don’t know why.

 

Zero Recollection of Previous Blog Post from Something Pretty Big to Me.

Today was interesting. I knew to start with I was too ambitious in my plans, so I worked flexibility in to cancel whatever I needed.

The plan: Drive an hour to Guilford, get a hair cut, pick up vegan cheese for the restaurant, maybe go to my favorite book store, maybe go to the beach, eat someplace yummy and natural on the way home.

Here’s how it ended up playing out:

I drove an hour to Guilford. I was half an hour early for my appointment, so I got to have some time to look around at the shop in the salon/spa I go to. I found some of the softest pants I’ve ever seen in my life there, but they were way too small, so I sat down to google them. Then it was time for my cut. Like last time, Arlene had me washed, cut, dried, styled, and looking awesome and even waxed my brows in only fifteen minutes while it seemed super leisurely. I don’t know how she does that!

When I was paying, they gave me a discount, because I blogged about them last time. I could not remember this at all! The gal at the desk said it brought tears to her eyes. I felt guilty for not remembering. Nothing they said could jog my memory. (More on this later.)

I went to go pick up the cheese for the restaurant. That was awesome. We buy our cheese from Three Girls Vegan Creamery. They are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. I’m betting they are from New York, because nobody from around here is that nice. They are super positive and happy. I surprised them with doughnuts. They later texted me and said it was the best doughnut they’ve had in 57 years. I was so thrilled to hear that. They also tagged us on their Instagram and brought us a bunch more followers, so that was cool. Maybe someday I’ll have a vegan doughnut empire.

Next was supposed to be my favorite book store or the beach. By now I was feeling pretty tired (yes. after just two errands, one being just a fifteen-minute haircut), and I was a bit frustrated about not being able to remember the blog about the salon. My head was also hurting after the drive. I’ve been trying not to drive, but I couldn’t find anybody to take me this time. I decided to cancel both the book store and the beach and to just go enjoy some lunch and head home before overwhelming myself doing all I wanted to do. I was not disappointed by this decision, because I knew it was what I needed to do. To do everything I wanted would have been too much, and I was pretty satisfied I got my drive’s worth out of Guilford in just those two stops.

I googled how far it was to the place I wanted to eat and then decided to go to a different favorite place that was more on the route home and less out of the way. I’m so glad I made that choice! I went to a raw café that serves all my favorite stuff, and everything on the menu leaves customers feeling revitalized. It was exactly what I needed for the drive home

On the way home from there, I knew I’d be going through Glastonbury to avoid the Charter Oak Bridge (Gbury adds 4 minutes to the drive but is SOOOO much less stressful!!). I figured since I was going to do that, I may as well stop at Whole Foods for a couple of things. Since I was so tired by this time, I only ended up buying six things and spent well under the $100 minimum this store seems to always get from me. I felt pretty good about that! And, I remembered to take in my shopping bags! This is how we know my brain is broken. I can’t remember the things I normally remember, and now I’m remembering the things I normally forget!

After that I had to go to our restaurant to drop off the cheese and talk to Hubs about some things. Why is it people go to all the trouble of scheduling job interviews and then don’t show up for them? I do not understand this at all.

When I got home, I sat down for a little while before deciding to look up the blog the salon was so thrilled I wrote. Reading it (see my blog post with “clean air salon” somewhere in the title), I could tell the writing sounded like me. It described the experience I had at this salon the first time I went. But, I do not remember writing that blog at all. Nothing jogged my memory of writing it, either. I am super worried about this. It’s not like the normal can’t remember something thing. I don’t know how to describe how it is different, but trust me. It is different in a very scary way.

Also of note, several times over the last two days I have tried to come to this wordpress site by typing in “goodreads.com.” I can see that happening once in a moment of not paying attention, but it has happened repeatedly, and I’m not sure if it’s part of my eyes playing tricks on me thing or not.

I have the doctor at 8am tomorrow. I’m not sure how I’m going to get doughnuts done and be showered and dressed by 7:30am, but I’m going to try!

 

Worry and Dread Replaced by Distraction

I chose not to blog last night, because yesterday I spent a very large portion of the day filled with worry and dread, and thankfully that went away with distractions from my twitter friends and a facetime from my daughter and gson, and I didn’t want to bring it back up and not be able to sleep if I blogged it before bed.

Once again, I don’t remember most of the day. I remember a couple of times trying to talk and it sounding like I had marshmallows in my mouth.

My boss called me yesterday. She told me what I’ll need from the doctors. She really wants a specific time to determine if I need a leave of absence for a quarter or for the entire year. She reminded me how incredibly challenging something like this is for a small, private school versus a public school. She was careful to express my healing as the most important thing, and I am sure she is in a rough spot, because she has to make sure she has somebody capable of teaching math in there. We have a few students in our calculus this year whose parents would have enrolled them somewhere else if they knew it could potentially end up cancelled with me not there.

My boss was warm in our conversation, and there’s not reason it should have set off panic in me, but the second we hung up, I got sinking in my gut. I couldn’t shake it. The more I tried to identify and reject the source, the bigger it got.

Earlier in the day my attorney had replied to my message to him with not great news. I’m not sure if this contributed to my post-call-from-my-boss panic or not, but I spent a large portion of the day convinced the doctors are not going to be able to figure out what is wrong with me (therefor leaving me like this) and that my attorney would ditch me and that we’d be stuck paying all these medical bills and that I’d be out of a job and it’d all be because of the woman who hit me but there’d be nothing I could do about it.

I couldn’t use reason or logic to shake it, so I went with distraction. Distraction worked! Thanks, twitter friends and Josie and Jensen! There’s something so calming about being around my daughter (even if it is via facetime thousands of miles away), and my gson’s face is just so cute!

I can’t remember specific symptoms from yesterday. Today is starting with a headache. I woke up half an hour ago, and my head is like, “remember me?” As if I could forget.

I can’t Math anymore

I forgot to blog last night, and now I can’t remember much of yesterday. I do remember my doughnuts not cooperating. They kept not rising or they’d rise too much and flop. It was crazy. I ended up making well over a hundred doughnuts trying to get a dozen just right for a customer who pre-ordered them. Thankfully, they were still sellable, and Hubs was able to sell all of them, but still. The whole day ended up being all about doughnuts.

I’ve noticed that I am losing chunks of time. I dropped the rolling pin on the floor when my hands were full, and I couldn’t get to it right away. I made plans to pick it up, wash it, dry it, and put it back after I finished what my hands were full of, but then I found it in its place with no memory of doing any of that. This is one example of a bunch I can’t remember now, but I do remember hearing myself talking about losing chunks of time and giving examples.

Today I decided on extra rest. I was intentionally lazier than I have been. I did agree to go out to lunch. I’m always in charge of tip. To tip 20%, you move the decimal of the total one place to the left and double it. I usually round that number up to the nearest dollar. I do this on the final total after tax, so really I’m tipping between 20-25% on the food total. Anyway, this always happens in my brain instantly, and then I add the tip to the total, and the sum also happens in my brain in an instant. Today, that was not the case. While it took my only somewhat longer to determine what the tip should be, it took me significantly longer to find the sum of the ticket plus tip. Given that my profession is high school math teacher, this is VERY concerning!

Earlier in the day, Hubs asked me to figure something out. I can’t remember what it was, but apparently I told him, “I can’t math” when he asked me. He kept repeating that phrase at me, and I couldn’t figure out why. Apparently it was because I can’t grammar anymore either. (You should see how long I am spending editing these blogs and probably still not getting it right.)

At church tonight, I had to step out, because trying to read and sing at the same time, coupled with the volume of the music being too loud gave me a terrible headache. I’ve had this weird headache for weeks. Hard to describe. It’s warm but in a bad way. (I usually love warm.) Like my brain is surrounded in battery acid or I don’t know what.

Bright side is this week I should FINALLY see the neurologist! At this point I am just hoping something obvious will show up on a test and that they can start the tbi therapy so my brain can work again. At least figure out how to get my eyes to stop trying to play tricks if you can’t help me math and memory again.

Too Tired to Blog

I slept ten hours last night and took a nap today and am still ready for bed at 8pm. I’m keeping this one short…

I was headachey and tired. I lost chunks of time. I couldn’t do math. I couldn’t find words I needed. No “scary” close calls that I can remember. No hallucinations that I am aware of. I noticed my lack of filter a bit today, though. I said some things I normally never would have to an employee who happens to also be my boss’s son. I’m not worried about anything coming of that, but I do worry about the things coming out of my mouth, because what if I say them in front of a room full of students?

Can I Ctrl Z Voicemail(s)?

Today was a lot like yesterday. I am missing chunks of time. I have been limiting myself to making doughnuts and dealing with one thing per day. Today’s thing was taking my car to the shop and getting a rental car. (I really probably should not be driving!!)

I don’t remember a lot of it other than getting ridiculously hungry and trying to use all my strength not to throw a fit at how long Enterprise was taking to get me my car, cuz I was without snack. The good news is, we opened our juice and smoothie bar today, so when I went to our restaurant to deal with doughnuts, I was able to get a protein smoothie. It turned out really good, and I super like the staff my hubby hired.

I came home after that and somehow lost an hour and a half. I do not know where it went. Then I made tonight’s doughnuts, cuz all the doughnuts sold out at lunch, and a woman had ordered a dozen to be picked up tonight.

That went pretty well. I don’t remember most of making the doughnuts or the glaze, or even assembling them, but it only took 2.5 hours, and they all looked great. I repeatedly checked her order to make sure I was getting all her choices correct. I accidentally made one too many of our quintessential glaze doughnuts, so I decided to treat myself and Hubs by splitting that one later. (This is why bakers dozens have 13 doughnuts. It’s always good to have extra in case something goes wrong.)

I had the doughnuts ready on time and decided to stay at the restaurant for dinner. I even got Hubs to join me. When I got home (I don’t remember the journey home), I checked the restaurant’s email. I had emailed the woman on hubby’s phone to let her know here doughnuts were ready and reminding her to pick them up before 8. When I was at home checking the email, I suddenly worried I had written them on the wrong day on my calendar. I spent today thinking it was Friday, but I think that’s cuz our Friday server worked today to cover for another server.

In reading the email, it looked like I made the doughnuts a day early. The email really said she’d be picking them up tonight to celebrate her husband’s birthday tomorrow morning. But I saw the 11th and panicked and left her a super long voicemail telling her I made them by mistake today and that if she’d take these ones and have them as day olds tomorrow, I’d give her a discount, but if she’d rather, I could sell these off to people and make her fresh ones tomorrow and to please call me by 8 to let me know which she’d prefer to do.

I vented about this to some twitter friends, and then I read the email again. This is when I realized it was correct in my calendar, and I was to make them tonight. Thus, I left her a SECOND lengthy voicemail telling her to ignore the first voicemail. Meanwhile, I had been trying to communicate all of this to my server through texting. This caused her to panic she gave the doughnuts to the wrong person, because it turns out that BEFORE I even called the woman, she had already picked up her doughnuts!

A frustrating element along with all the obvious frustrations in this situation is that I ALWAYS look at the security camera to check to see if somebody has picked up their doughnuts before I communicate anything to anybody. I didn’t even think to check the camera before emailing her. In fact, I forgot they even existed! I use them several times per day, every day! If I had used it tonight, I could have avoided TWO embarrassing voicemails to this customer who probably now thinks I am a lunatic. sigh!

One bright light in today is that the girl who made my smoothie misread the recipe and gave me three times the maca she should have. It turned out to give me a boost of energy and seriously help my mood. The extra energy caused me to try too hard with my brain, though, so I am quite headachey, but now I know if I need a temporary boost what I can do. I will save that for a desperate moment, though, because all that energy required energy, and I don’t think it was good for my brain, because my brain feels like I definitely overused it today.

Now I am hanging out with Moo, trying to calm and to rest my noggin.

I Remembered and Forgot

I was here in bed ruminating over the day when eventually I remembered I was going to try to blog each night before sleeping.

Today was all about going to meet with my principal to tell her I need a long-term sub.

I got maybe four hours sleep last night. I woke at 3:30am and never made it back to sleep. I almost fell back to sleep when I was standing in the kitchen frying doughnuts. Scary as it sounds, it was the closest I think I’ve ever been to falling asleep standing up, and while it probably would have been tragic and ended with my tbi worse and my body covered in 360-degree peanut oil, I couldn’t help but be fascinated at how close I was to sleep while standing there frying doughnuts.

I still have not figured out what is wrong with my doughnuts this week. I’ve tried tweaking several techniques while continuing to follow my recipe, but I haven’t figured it out. Maybe it’s cuz the weather changed? I don’t know. Everybody still loves them, but those of us who taste them every day know there’s something up with the texture this week.

I don’t remember much from doing doughnuts today other than the almost sleeping part. I kind of remember sautéing strawberries and rhubarb for the glaze, but I don’t remember doing the glazing. I don’t remember loading the doughnut case. Oh wait. I remember I was running late for my meeting so I set them on the counter and said something to the chef about having the server do it? It’s all like a dream.

Everything is like dream life now. I feel like I have no control. I’m watching this dream, often not liking how things are going, and then forgetting most of it just like how dreams work. I can see my grammar is sucking right now too, but I can’t think enough to figure out how to fix it.

So at 10:30am I met with my principal. She was not happy. I can’t blame her. I think our school is under spiritual attack, because a lot of things are happening to the faculty. I am one on a list of faculty with issues right now, and it all seems to be happening at the same time. I’m uneasy about the meeting though. While I tried to keep the conversation focused on finding a long-term sub, she didn’t commit to anything. She said, “I will have to look at policy and check some things out.” What does that even mean?

I have taught at this school for six years. I relocated to teach here. I work for less than half of what I’d be paid in public school. I teach more subjects here than I have ever taught anywhere. It is tough job that requires a lot of sacrifice, and I’ve been doing it with a smile on my face for six years. Granted, I was suffering a bit of burnout in fourth quarter last year, but that turned out to be a thyroid issue that was easily fixed with the proper dose of thyroid medication. Why would they not be beside themselves trying to help me in my healing?

I hate it when in situations like this meeting. Thanks to everything always being my fault when growing up, I can’t help but feel like the other person thinks I am exaggerating or lying or “milking it” or whatever. If my goal in life was laziness, I would not have worked this job the last six years. I hope I am just being paranoid, but the vibe and lack of commitment just didn’t feel right. I hope I’m wrong. (Later in the day I received a surprisingly “coincidental” phone call from another party that seemed much like a fishing expedition….but again, it could have been a coincidence. I have nothing to hide, so I gave her all the fish she wanted, but I don’t like when things seem fishy.)

I’m emotionally prepared for whatever happens. I think. Financially? Not so much. My job is the one where we get our medical insurance from. Our restaurant has only a handful of employees, and only one of them is full-time, so it’s not like we can afford to do insurance that way. And, with our higher rent and car payments, we can’t afford to lose my income. I talk about selling doughnuts, but if you figure out what I’m getting after the cost of ingredients, I’m not even making 1970’s minimum wage let alone today’s.

When I got home from the meeting I ate and almost fell asleep, but thankfully had an alarm in my phone telling me a woman would be coming in for doughnuts at 5. Our restaurant closes from 3 to 5, giving me time to bust out some fresh ones for those who want to pick up in the evening instead. She got a variety of 12, and I remember doing some of them.

Other than being super forgetful, and losing chunks of the day, I can’t think of any “incidents” that happened. I did develop headaches more times than normal today when I was trying to find words or remember stuff or try to figure something out, though.

If I’m going to be so forgetful and lose big chunks, can I please lose the things I feel negative or anxious about?

 

Adventures Are on Hold for Awhile

For a time, my blog will be about healing from a traumatic brain injury. I am certain everyone I know is probably sick to death of hearing about it. My attorney told me to keep a log of symptoms. I’m not sure how he proposes I do that, since I forget things five minutes after they happen. I’m going to do my best to try to remember to blog each night before I go to bed with the few things I manage to remember from the day.

To get us caught up, here is what I was able to piece together through tweets and text messages over the last several weeks…

For the first few weeks after the accident, I had uncontrollable bouts of crying. This wasn’t just getting teary-eyed. It was full on, body-heaving, loudly sobbing, bawling. It would happen several times per day with no warning nor reason. (I sobbed over waffles!) I also slept many more hours than I was awake.

I really do not remember much of June at all. I just remember lots of crying and lots of sleeping.

July 2 While at a very quiet intersection in Box Elder, SD while visiting my daughter, I had what I later thought was a hallucination. I saw a semi truck barreling through the 4-way stop (even though we were in a subdivision neighborhood) and about to t-bone our car. I threw my hands over my eyes, gasped, and braced myself for the crash. When the crash did not happen at the time I expected, I looked up and realized there was never a truck there. When sharing this with my doctor at a later date, she didn’t think it was a hallucination. She believed the brain injury is causing my eyes and brain to delay in communication and my brain is filling in the blanks incorrectly.

July 12, Despite being a high school math teacher who could (before the accident) solve complex calculus problems in my head and was wicked fast at calculations, I could not do 13 minus 7. I reminded myself what I tell my students, “If you can’t recall an answer you should automatically know, use the methods you’ve been taught to find it.” So I thought, “I can count backwards.” I counted, “13, 12, 11…” and got stuck. I continued to try super hard to figure it out. I couldn’t do it. After at least a minute or two of trying, I finally asked Siri for the answer. When reflecting on this while sharing my concern with my doctor, it dawned on me that at no time did it ever occur to me to try counting on my fingers.

July 13, Despite having been there before and using the web page and gps correctly, I went to the complete wrong location to see one of my doctors. I had planned my route the night before, and even in the morning when my brain was fresh I didn’t catch that I wasn’t even on the correct web page when trying to find the address to gps. At no time did my brain click to remember to just pull it from my gps history like I normally would have done before the brain injury.

July 13, while trying to drive to the doctor’s office, I was sitting at a red light. I saw the light turn green, and I began to creep forward (too afraid of trusting others paying attention to traffic to proceed at a normal speed). A pickup truck barreled through what should have been his red light and then another did the same. Horns were honking. I looked up just in time to see my light was red. Logic dictates my light never turned green, but I saw it turn green. After this incident is when my doctor told me the thing about my brain filing in the blanks incorrectly.

I make doughnuts for our restaurant 6 days per week. I use the same doughnut recipe every time (the glazes vary, but the doughnuts are the same). After the accident, I started making major mistakes in trying to scale the recipe to desire number of batches (something I could previously do without any effort at all, something that would come naturally to my brain). I finally sat down and wrote out recipes for the four desired numbers of batches I choose from when making the doughnuts. I had to quintuple check all of the math and found several errors in the process. Also after the accident, I started forgetting important ingredients, even though the recipe was in front of me, and even though I used to be able to make these doughnuts from memory. I had to take my new batched out recipe and put check box bullet points next to ingredients, print out several copies, and start marking off each ingredient as I add it, because if I wait until after two ingredients, I won’t remember if I used it or not. If it is an ingredient that isn’t visible once added, I have to start over. So far, the checklist seems to be working. I never had to do any of this before the accident.

I have missed at least three appointments that I did not put into my calendar. Two of the most recent ones that I can still remember I didn’t put in my calendar, because I had initiated the plans to meet just six hours prior to when we’d meet. I ended up completely spacing it and didn’t even remember much later until I received a text message about it. It seems that many things get lost from my memory in as little as ten minutes, but thankfully, that is not the case with everything…far more things than I care for, but at least not all of it.

Ongoing, I forget sentences in the middle of them. Everything feels like a dream and not real. I am never fully present for anything. Processing information is far more difficult than it ever was.

Personality change, despite previously loving wearing lots of eye make up every day, I have not worn any makeup since the accident. I don’t seem to care about it or how I look at all. I’m not showering as often and am rewearing dirty clothes more often. I am tired and napping WAY more than I ever did. I am also far more emotional than I used to be.

Despite previously having a dry eye condition, my eyes now water almost all the time. It isn’t in the inner corners near my nose like with cold or allergies, it is the outside corners of my eyes like from wind, but it’s all the time.

Before the accident, I had trouble sleeping. Now I have trouble staying awake. I spend most of my time feeling like I just woke up from a nap and disoriented about where I am, what day it is, what I am supposed to be doing, etc.

Despite normally being very reserved in certain vocabulary, I am suddenly without a filter. I teach in a Christian school that reminds us of the importance of being role models to our students, and I am suddenly using words I should never use in front of them, but the words are coming out before I realize it when I hear it after I said it.

Friends and family continue to express concern over seeming depressed, overly tired, and being confused all the time.

 

7/31/17

I forgot this file I was trying to keep for my attorney was a thing. Every day is like a dream. I keep forgetting things I never used to forget. I know several concerning things happened since I last wrote this, but I didn’t write them down and don’t remember them. I hear myself say things out loud I would normally never say.

When I was blow-drying my hair, I kept feeling somebody’s presence and worrying somebody was going to storm into the room to harm me.

When I was at church last night, I suddenly found myself thinking I maybe actually died in that car accident, and I am stuck in some kind of alternative reality. I normally never think this way.

I have to put alarms in my phone for every little thing or I forget them. I forget what I am doing while I am doing it.

I get headaches when I try to figure things out like directions to my home or math problems or when trying to remember a word I can’t think of in a sentence.

At church, the lyrics to a song we were singing were on the board. I saw the word “advice.” “Advice” made the opposite of sense, so I kept looking at it and seeing “advice.” Eventually, I could see the word was “desire.” The font size was fine. My glasses were on. I was not having trouble reading. I just keep seeing things incorrectly.

I’ve been getting weird pain in my head beside the headaches. It’s sometimes like a hot probe going in diagonally down from the top left of my head and other times like a corkscrew going in horizontally from the left above my ear.

I often feel like I am in a haze. I fall asleep often. When this happens, I can end up staying asleep for up to 4 hours and then still go to bed at my normal time.

 

8/2/17

I have had my debit card number memorized for years. I type it and say it out loud quite often, as I do most of my shopping online. Yesterday, I couldn’t remember more than 8 digits no matter how hard I tried. I finally had to go look at the card to enter it.

I had an eye exam yesterday. The ophthalmologist said he saw floaters. Since I’ve never had these before, he believed they could be due to the car accident.

I still cannot stay awake for a normal day.

My eye exam gave me a headache. This does not normally happen. When I quit trying to read and answer questions about the images I was shown, the headache went away.

8/9/17

A few days ago, I was using the kitchen sink. To turn off the water, I tried closing the cabinet door up above the sink. When the water would not shut off, I continued trying to push the door closed harder and harder, growing in frustration over the water not turning off. After far too long, I figured out what I was doing wrong, and I successfully turned off the water.

A friend came over and noticed my oven was on. I had left it on all late afternoon and evening while out with her.

When I was making doughnuts, I went to reach for a doughnut in the fryer oil with my bare hand. Just centimeters from the oil, my brain sensed something was wrong. Ever since the “red light/green light” incident, if I sense something is wrong, I freeze and try to figure it out. I froze there with my hand dangerously close to very hot oil trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. Once I eventually figured it out, I quickly removed my hand, thanking God I had not gone any further in trying to remove that frying doughnut from the oil.

Yesterday I tried to train a new server at our restaurant. Back in May, I worked our Mother’s Day rush (the Saturday before Mother’s Day) by myself. I ran the incredibly crowded dining room with a long waiting list of people wanting to get in like a boss! Yesterday, about a third of our tables were full, and after an hour, my brain shut off, and I was useless. I was forgetting to enter orders into the system (I used to not even have to write orders down, but now I can’t even remember from the table to the kitchen what I am supposed to do). The employee, on his first day of work, was out performing me, and he didn’t even know where things were! It was his FIRST day! A woman called to place a to-go order while I was making iced tea. I told her it would be just a moment before I could take her order. I put the phone into my apron pocket and continued to work on the tea. At this moment, I cannot remember if I ever finished making and serving that tea. I ended up having my husband cover for me and to call in another server, because I was making huge mistakes. After probably 20-30 minutes, I reached into my apron for something and discovered the phone off the hook in my pocket. I hung it up, and the woman immediately called back to state she had been on hold for a very long time but still wanted to place an order. I got lucky she was so determined to have our food! Several mistakes like this happened during my second hour at the restaurant. My head started to hurt, and I was incredibly frustrated trying to think and not being able to.

On Monday I ended up having to give away 2.5 dozen doughnuts due to mistakes, even though I make doughnuts every day. All week this week, my doughnuts have not been the normal awesome, and I cannot figure out what I am doing wrong. There must have been something in my technique not written in my recipe that I am forgetting, and I have tried during “fresh brain” periods to try to figure it out but can’t.

Today I am going to go talk to my principal about finding me a long-term sub. There is no way I can try to teach math classes like this! I am nervous about this meeting that she is just going to replace me, because I cannot guess for how long I am going to need this sub. I am also worried about money, because I don’t remember how many sick days I’ve accrued, and if she fires me, I can’t really use them anyway. If she doesn’t fire me, I don’t know how long those sick days will last until I don’t get any more paychecks. My attorney says it could take up to a year to settle this claim, so I really don’t know how we are going to make rent and car payments. This all sucks so bad!

If you normally read my blog for humor and levity, there probably isn’t going to be a lot of that for awhile. I’m sorry. Don’t unsubscribe. I’ll try to be enjoyable again at some point…

 

Travel + Virtual Book Club = Not Crying

 

I am WAY behind on blogging, and I keep feeling like it should be in order of events, and some events I’m not ready to blog yet, so I am getting backlogged (backblogged?). I owe you posts about my car accident (yes, that beautiful beast has been in the shop for six weeks!). I owe you posts about my amazing doughnut recipe! There’s a bunch more. I have photos in my phone waiting for me to sit down and do it, but my recovering brain (injured in the accident) keeps saying, “nope!”

I think I can tell yesterday’s story mostly in screen shots, so here we go. I’ll catch y’all up on other stuff when my brain is ready.

Yesterday I had to fly home from my daughter’s house after getting to spend two weeks loving on my gson. This day is normally the WORST! I hate leaving there and coming home and often spend that day crying. Yesterday worked out a bit differently than that. I had prayed/hoped for some amusing distractions to keep me from being sad. That’s exactly what happened!

A twitter friend recently pulled me into a DM about books. We sometimes (often) get off topic and it is sometimes (most often) my fault. This is what happened yesterday… (I’ve deleted friends’ names just in case anyone doesn’t want to be identified here. There are several people responsible for the gray in these, but the blue is all mine.)

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You may have noticed, I am also showing book club posts. Cuz, why not? So this isn’t just my travel day, but also my book club day and a chance for you to see how awesome my friends are…

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When I said, “almost school used a kitten today,” that was speak-to-text for, “almost squeezed a kitten to death.” Even Siri could not believe how horrifying that statement was.

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