I Remembered and Forgot

by mathhbratt

I was here in bed ruminating over the day when eventually I remembered I was going to try to blog each night before sleeping.

Today was all about going to meet with my principal to tell her I need a long-term sub.

I got maybe four hours sleep last night. I woke at 3:30am and never made it back to sleep. I almost fell back to sleep when I was standing in the kitchen frying doughnuts. Scary as it sounds, it was the closest I think I’ve ever been to falling asleep standing up, and while it probably would have been tragic and ended with my tbi worse and my body covered in 360-degree peanut oil, I couldn’t help but be fascinated at how close I was to sleep while standing there frying doughnuts.

I still have not figured out what is wrong with my doughnuts this week. I’ve tried tweaking several techniques while continuing to follow my recipe, but I haven’t figured it out. Maybe it’s cuz the weather changed? I don’t know. Everybody still loves them, but those of us who taste them every day know there’s something up with the texture this week.

I don’t remember much from doing doughnuts today other than the almost sleeping part. I kind of remember sautéing strawberries and rhubarb for the glaze, but I don’t remember doing the glazing. I don’t remember loading the doughnut case. Oh wait. I remember I was running late for my meeting so I set them on the counter and said something to the chef about having the server do it? It’s all like a dream.

Everything is like dream life now. I feel like I have no control. I’m watching this dream, often not liking how things are going, and then forgetting most of it just like how dreams work. I can see my grammar is sucking right now too, but I can’t think enough to figure out how to fix it.

So at 10:30am I met with my principal. She was not happy. I can’t blame her. I think our school is under spiritual attack, because a lot of things are happening to the faculty. I am one on a list of faculty with issues right now, and it all seems to be happening at the same time. I’m uneasy about the meeting though. While I tried to keep the conversation focused on finding a long-term sub, she didn’t commit to anything. She said, “I will have to look at policy and check some things out.” What does that even mean?

I have taught at this school for six years. I relocated to teach here. I work for less than half of what I’d be paid in public school. I teach more subjects here than I have ever taught anywhere. It is tough job that requires a lot of sacrifice, and I’ve been doing it with a smile on my face for six years. Granted, I was suffering a bit of burnout in fourth quarter last year, but that turned out to be a thyroid issue that was easily fixed with the proper dose of thyroid medication. Why would they not be beside themselves trying to help me in my healing?

I hate it when in situations like this meeting. Thanks to everything always being my fault when growing up, I can’t help but feel like the other person thinks I am exaggerating or lying or “milking it” or whatever. If my goal in life was laziness, I would not have worked this job the last six years. I hope I am just being paranoid, but the vibe and lack of commitment just didn’t feel right. I hope I’m wrong. (Later in the day I received a surprisingly “coincidental” phone call from another party that seemed much like a fishing expedition….but again, it could have been a coincidence. I have nothing to hide, so I gave her all the fish she wanted, but I don’t like when things seem fishy.)

I’m emotionally prepared for whatever happens. I think. Financially? Not so much. My job is the one where we get our medical insurance from. Our restaurant has only a handful of employees, and only one of them is full-time, so it’s not like we can afford to do insurance that way. And, with our higher rent and car payments, we can’t afford to lose my income. I talk about selling doughnuts, but if you figure out what I’m getting after the cost of ingredients, I’m not even making 1970’s minimum wage let alone today’s.

When I got home from the meeting I ate and almost fell asleep, but thankfully had an alarm in my phone telling me a woman would be coming in for doughnuts at 5. Our restaurant closes from 3 to 5, giving me time to bust out some fresh ones for those who want to pick up in the evening instead. She got a variety of 12, and I remember doing some of them.

Other than being super forgetful, and losing chunks of the day, I can’t think of any “incidents” that happened. I did develop headaches more times than normal today when I was trying to find words or remember stuff or try to figure something out, though.

If I’m going to be so forgetful and lose big chunks, can I please lose the things I feel negative or anxious about?